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The Bachelorette Recap - 12x05

The Bachelorette Recap - 12x05

Previously on this shitshow: there are recaps of the two on one date with Alex and Chad remains oblivious as to why he has lost to Alex. Jordan is very excited that Chad has left, and does a celebratory whoo a la Ben Higgins and the boys decide to celebrate the loss of Chad by staging a funereal service, with Wells as preacher using Chad’s protein powder as ashes. Each boy gets a handful and throws it into the wind. I really hoped that there would be a Big Lebowski moment where the powder would fly into the boys’ faces, but sadly no such luck. James Taylor, of course, serenades the funeral with his guitar.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Meanwhile, CHAD HAS NOT STOPPED WHISTLING, and is making his way through the forest, seemingly alone, as if a producer hasn’t led him to exactly where he needs to go. Robby says how excited he is to never, ever, ever see Chad again... And then Chad shows back up at the house and does that creepy dragging his fingers down the glass door thing that we saw in the teaser last week that made him look like even more of a psychopath than he already is.

Legit loon.

Legit loon.

The boys are obviously quite perturbed as to why their nemesis has come back, and sincerely hope that he hasn’t come back for his protein powder. Daniel opens the door with a bowl of... something (?), and gives Chad a cursory ‘sup and then the boys confront Chad. Daniel asks how the date went and Chad says essentially that Jojo just couldn’t handle his intensity and WHY DOESN’T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER??? Jordan attempts to get an apology out of Chad, but he’s dealing with an insane person so I’m not sure why he thought that would work. Chad basically pulls the “bully getting bullied” bullshit he’s been pulling all season and was like… I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SAY I WOULD BEAT YOU ALL, YOU GANGED UP ON ME. Jordan rolls his eyes and is all whatever, dude, let’s shake hands, oh and i’m not scared by how strong your grip is, buddy, I’m not Evan. Speaking of Evan, he sees this final opportunity as a chance to ask Chad once more for money for new shirt. Evan. Honey, sweetie, duckling. Let it fucking go.

Daniel being the smartest and continuing to eat and stay out of it all.

Daniel being the smartest and continuing to eat and stay out of it all.

Chad FINALLY leaves with a whistle, and is gone forever… until Bachelor in Paradise, of course. And then we switch over to Alex and Jojo, and I do not give one single fuck about it. The boys are all Team Alex when he gets back to the house and he is literally put on the guys’ shoulders. They put cupcakes in his face and light Roman fucking Candles which has to be a fire hazard and Robby proclaims Alex’s heroism FOR AMERICA, in getting Chad removed, as if Jojo had no say in it at all. Boys.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Jojo reflects in a confessional that getting rid of Chad was the best decision she could have made and that all the boys telling her that Chad was garbage finally was evidenced in her two-on-one date with him (and not all those other times he was totally fucking dickish to her). Jojo talks to the boys about how serious she is about the process and she’s very happy that she eliminated Chad and that things can move on in a positive way now. Evan agrees that everyone in the house is great and now things can back to normal…. except with the absence of a villain, someone needs to step into Chad’s overly jacked shadow and take on the mantle. With no Chad, the boys are suddenly all in it to win it and start getting real shitty with each other. 

Sad puppy is sad.

Sad puppy is sad.

First, Chase (who I had literally forgotten about, and thought might have been named James) takes Jojo aside and says he ‘stole’ two plastic human-sized balls that they proceed to bounce against each other in and it’s cute and whatever, I don’t care. Chase talks like he’s bored out of his mind. Right there with you buddy. Robby then takes Jojo to a wishing fountain, and I’m sincerely wondering where they got coins from to throw. Robby basically says in so many words that he’s going to propose to Jojo and Jojo giggles kinda nervously but they kiss anyway in front of all the dudes WHO DO NOT APPRECIATE THIS. Derek (who is not actually Derek, but in fact James F., what the fuck, all these guys are the same) then has his one-on-one time with Jojo and reads her a poem he wrote and… just no, dude. Jojo loves it and starts to tear up, but James F. doesn’t have much time to lean into that because tiny Alex shows up in a bright blue suit and asks to cut in, which is a bit dickish as he already has a rose (which Grant brings up, and ever since Chad referred to Grant as sexy Squidward, IT IS ALL I SEE).

Daniel has about 3 seconds with Jojo before Luke comes over, another guy with a rose. These guys are starting to play the game. Luke talks about their date together, and I find him so unattractive but Jojo is into it. He also tells her he’s falling for her, beating Robby to the punch there. Luke is clearly Final 3 material. Wells finally says out loud (and not in a confessional) what everyone is thinking by saying that the only one good thing about Chad was that the guys all had a common enemy. Now that he’s gone, they no longer have someone to bitch about under a united front.  Derek and Evan nod along and Evan proceeds to accurately predict that now that there’s no “big Chad”, many “mini Chads” will begin to emerge amongst the boys. Luke interrupts and asks Evan if he’s had a chance to talk to Jojo yet and he says no. Luke asks if he’s going to go, otherwise, Luke’s going in for seconds (which he actually says, and is gross). Evan says he’s trying, but he’s defs not, you can’t wait for Jojo to come to you buddy, that’s kind of your job right now. You’re a suitor. Pursue.

Wait... I'm supposed to try???

Wait... I'm supposed to try???

This all doesn’t matter because Jordan swoops in and says that he doesn’t want to take up too much of her time because he’s already got a rose, and Jojo says THAT’S COOL, I WANT TO BANG YOU, except not, but she’s fine with it, and then we get this shot of Jordan pressing Jojo up on a wall and starts smooching on her and then on the other side of the wall, we see all our little contesticles staring morosely into space, and the Bachelorette is looking for those technical Emmys right now.

Jordan wants in on the Boom Boom Room.

Jordan wants in on the Boom Boom Room.

And now Jojo has gotten her jollies so she joins all the boys but Chris Harrison shows up for his requisite one minute of screen time and steals Jojo away so she can make her decisions of the rose ceremony. Jojo does a little spiel about how she’s excited to find love, blah, blah, blah and then starts to hand out her roses. Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny (who I couldn’t believe was still there since he gets ZERO screen time), James Taylor, and Evan all get roses, which means that James F. and Damn Daniel are both gone. I cared not at all for James F. but Damn Daniel provided SO MUCH HILARITY that I’m legit sad he’s leaving. Daniel has a pretty good leaving confessional about how amazing his body is and I WILL MISS HIM, despite the fact that he's probably a serial killer (why are we not talking about his sex story about tying that girl up and cutting her hair???). Back at the rose ceremony, Jojo says that she’s excited to take this show international… they’re going to Uruguay! I guarantee half of these guys have no idea where that is, but that’s cool.

James Taylor knows that Uruguay is close to Paraguay and is excited about it.

James Taylor knows that Uruguay is close to Paraguay and is excited about it.

After an amazing little graphic of a plane flying from LA to Uruguay on a digital map, Jojo informs us that they are in Punta Del Este and she is thrilled to be there. The boys get to their room and they check out their date card… and it goes to Jordan aka the winner of this season. Everyone is really annoyed by this, and Vinny inexplicably has binoculars on and is looking around the room, which I found hysterical. Anyway, all the guys start shitting on Jordan as if this isn’t exactly what the show is, but whatever. They’re now in a fucking hair salon that Vinny has co-opted and is doing hair cuts for the boys. He says the standard line that Jordan isn’t there for the right reasons, which quite frankly, is just old. We cut back to Jordan and Jojo and they go play with some seals, and it’s cool, but also, seals are dangerous, aren’t they?

Here’s where the real drama comes in. An InTouch magazine is in the salon with the boys and there’s obviously some debate as to how that got in there. Most likely a producer as it’s highly unlikely the boys would be allowed to wander around and buy ‘bloids out and about. Anyway, there’s a whole feature about Jojo and how her ex Chad (seriously, ‘sup with all these douchey Chads?) basically slanders her and says that she was banging him while she was on the show last season and that she’s just looking for fame and it’s all real gross and sleazy. The boys are upset by it, as well they should be, if it is at all true. The show gets super meta here and I adore it.

The boys continue to discuss it upstairs in their room when they get their date card. Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex get their group date which means that Robby will get the second one-on-one date. Back at the Jordan date, Jordan tells Jojo that he’s falling in love with her, which is now two guys in a single ep to have done so. Jojo feels that she’s falling for Jordan… but she met an ex of his (where? how? I don’t know) who told her that Jordan was a shitty boyfriend and to beware. They sit down at their dinner and Jojo decides she must confront Jordan with the information that she has before she lets herself fall more for him. Jordan looks REAL pissed that she’s brought it up. Jojo asks Jordan what’s changed from then to now and Jordan basically just says SPORTS (and a million miles away, Ben Higgins’ ears and dick perk up at the mention of his true love). I don’t know, this goes on for awhile, and he was maybe going to marry this girl, but he didn’t and Jojo’s like, cool, lets make out now and they do like the two pretty people that they are. She gives Jordan a date rose, cuz duh, cuz he’s going to win the show. They go for a walk and find a band playing on the street and Jordan does some HILARIOUS dance moves which totally endeared me to him. But then he took off his blazer to give to Jojo and he was just wearing a t-shirt underneath, like not even a button-down, and come on dude, step it up.

Jojo and Jordan get back and Jordan tells the boys all about the seals. Jojo waxes romantic about how nothing can take away how happy she’s feeling and the producers just came in their pants about how much they’re going to change that right away as one hands her the InTouch magazine with the Chad article. Jojo, hilariously, looks at the cover (with the Duggars) and is all like, this has nothing to do with me. Then she opens up to the article about her and ex-Chad and doesn’t get why they’re showing it to her. The producer tells her that the boys have seen it and they continue to discuss it while Jojo begins to completely break down, and it’s seriously so shitty and I feel for her. Jojo goes to her boys so she can talk to them directly about it so that they can all move past it. It was all super mature and awesome and bravo to everyone in the conversation. Jojo tells them all how much she cares and that SHE IS THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASON and all the boys are like IT’S OKAY, WE LOVE YOU and everything is pure and beautiful.

Still looks amazing while crying.

Still looks amazing while crying.

Then comes my favourite scene of the whole ep. Jordan and Robby are in the spa with face masks and cucumbers on their faces AND I AM CRYING. Also they are getting pedicures, and they are so much luckier there than in that group date. Jordan starts eating the cucumbers and I can’t handle it.

Those are some tasty cucumbers.

Those are some tasty cucumbers.

Back in the sand dunes, cuz we’re at some sand dunes now, Jojo says she’s not going to let the Chad thing ruin her date with her guys and they all run up a massive dune to get to her and they’re all in jeans and no one is equipped for what they’re about to do, which is sand surfing. Everyone is terrible at it, and it’s so fucking windy and then it starts to rain, and all around, just a bad fucking date. Evan hilariously predicts he’ll get another bloody nose but amazingly doesn’t. Wells actually does pretty well, but mostly, everyone is terrible. Derek starts bitching about guys having time with her, which again, IS THE SHOW.

THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE SAND SURFING APPAREL!

THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE SAND SURFING APPAREL!

The date card comes for Robby and Jordan is super adorable reading it out to him. After the group date, the boys have gathered around Jojo and they continue to discuss that article, and I’m over it now. Luke steals her away immediately and they talk about ex-Chad and Jojo loves it and she snuggles with him, and it’s actually pretty cute and it’s the first time I kinda like Luke. Luke goes back to the guys and talks about how awkward group dates are and YES, they are, they are legit the worst. Derek is still bitching and I don’t care and steals Jojo away from Evan. He tells her that he doesn’t want to fall behind the other guys because since their first RIDICULOUS one-on-one date all those weeks ago, they haven’t really spent that much time together and Jojo feels that but Alex hates it because he feels secure in his relationship with Jojo, which is dumb, because you’re still on a reality dating show. Everyone comes together for the date rose and Jojo says she wants to give that rose to someone who she needs to give a bit of reassurance to, so she gives it to Derek, which I find sweet, but Alex is all WHAT THE FUCK, how dare she???? He calls Derek an insecure little bitch, and I’m just, fuck off Alex.

Dude's playing the game, and I can't fault him for it.

Dude's playing the game, and I can't fault him for it.

Now its Robby date day, and Jojo plays with a dog, and could that be the whole date? Cuz I don’t care about Robby at all. They take a tour of Punta Del Este and sure, whatever, it’s fine, and as a date on the whole, it’s not all that bad. Robby says he knows that he loves Jojo which, I’m sorry, this is literally your first date so I find it hard to take. Back with the rest of the boys, the guys gang up on Derek because they say he got a pity rose and he doesn’t care, he’s all, at least I got one. Alex and Chase are being real assholes to Derek and Alex is basically the worst.

Back with Jojo and Robby, Robby tells Jojo a very sad story about his best friend dying and it was very sad and basically prompted Robby to change jobs, get out of his city and break up with a girlfriend to chase after what he wants and yeah I get that, but dude, it is still WAY too early to tell Jojo you love her, but he’s gonna do it anyway and won’t listen to me. Jojo thinks its very sweet and she gives him a date rose and Robby says he’s the happiest man in Uruguay which is presumptuous but whatever.

First "I Love You" is dropped.

First "I Love You" is dropped.

Now it’s rose ceremony time and Derek decides that he needs to talk to Robby, Chase, Jordan and Alex and we assume it’s going to be about them nagging him about a pity rose (which was only Alex and Chase from what we saw on TV) but actually accuses them of being in a clique which just makes him look petty and the whole thing is dumb and no one is happy about it. They’re all worried about the cocktail party until Chris Harrison shows up and tells him no need, because there won’t be a cocktail party and they’re going right into the rose ceremony. Also, THREE guys are going home tonight.

Jojo comes in in this awesome evergreen dress with no sparkles and she looks amazing. Luke, Chase,  Alex, James Taylor and Wells all get roses, which means that Grant, Evan and Vinny (who???) are going home. Evan cries that he didn’t get to show her his heart, and yeah dude, YOU DIDN’T PLAY THE GAME, sorry bout it. Grant says she made a mistake by sending him home and he cries, and YOU DIDN’T PLAY THE GAME EITHER, BRO. Vinny tells Jojo it was nice to meet her and then HE starts crying and it is the most screen time he’s ever had, and then he’s crying, and he’s hurt too, but BUDDY, NONE OF YOU PLAYED THE GAME!

There’s lots happening upcoming, but the post-credit scene is INCREDIBLE because Derek tells Luke that his boob game is on point and his nipple keeps popping out and I can’t fucking deal with it and then the episode is over and WHOOF what a ride.

Until next week!

Living Big in Japan

Living Big in Japan

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