I bought a full-length mirror for my apartment as I didn't have one. I bought a full-length mirror so that I could see my whole outfit before I left for the day. I bought a full-length mirror so that I could see what I looked like. Looking down at myself isn't the same as looking at a full-length mirrored reflection.
I bought a full-length mirror and put bags on it so it wouldn't get scratched in the car over to my apartment. I put my full-length mirror in the entranceway of my home, where it would soon be hung by a handy-man. I didn't remove the bags from the full-length mirror.
I removed the bags from the full-length mirror. I was in a sports bra and shorts. I looked at my body for the first time in a long time. It had been easy to fool myself. I've fallen into this kind of delusion before. Body dysmorphia but in reverse. Oh, I would say to myself, I'm not actually that big. No, there are people far large than me. I'm not even plus-sized! And then I would eat an entire pint of ice cream.
Today I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw why my pants don't fit me anymore. I saw why it feels like a tighter squeeze sitting next to people on the subway. I saw what I had done to myself out of pain and ignorance. And I knew I had some choices.
These are choices that, as a daughter of two counsellors, I know well. I could choose to accept the way my body looked and stop complaining about it. Or do something about it.
I've been here before, many many times. Addiction and eating disorders are a pass time in my family. We have all struggled and we continue to do so on a daily basis. Once an addict, always an addict. Round and round I go, my weight fluctuating, up and down, up and down.
I took pictures of myself in the full-length mirror. I want to be able to remember how I felt today. I know it's unlikely, and I foresee myself making a similar post like this a few months down the line. Why would this time be any different? Halfway up the mountain, and then I slide back down. Every time.
I want to take the latter choice. Do something about it. After looking at myself in the full-length mirror, I exercised. Hard. My body is capable of it, though it might not look like it to others. Underneath the expansion are muscles, muscles that carry my body where it needs to go, muscles that hold me up so I don't fall, muscles that I desperately want to hold on to and use and push to their limits.
So today I did something about it. Tomorrow I might not. At least I'll keep the bags off the full-length mirror now.