Recapper: Jane Snow
Jenna's picked Matty and everything should be perfect. But of course, it never is.
We open on a house party. Jenna and the gang are playing spin the bottle and she VO’sthat it’s a “right of passage” and how perfect a metaphor it was for life because of spirals or something, and no, it’s just a stupid party game, no need to get over-invested.
Anyway Clark lands on Bitchy Sadie and she gives him a hilariously horrific look so he obvs passes. She makes a lame gay joke, and then he returns with “I’m not into bears” and hee, I hope the rest of the episode has prime comedic value. Clark says he’s happy to make out with Sadie’s boyfriend, and it took me way too long to remember that she’s dating Ricky, because that relationship means less than nothing to me. Sadie pfts at this, but I wouldn’t be so quick girl. Clark’s damn pretty, and we know Ricky’s a whore.
Now it’s Jenna’s turn and oooh the suspense is killing me, who will it land on, but of course it lands between her two love interests Matty (meh) and Jake (yay!) and again, it’s all metaphors and blah in Jenna’s VO, until she spins again and the bottle whirls into Matty’s lap (ugh). Lissa practically pushes them into a closet for 7 Minutes in Heaven.
Closet. Jenna and Matty are standing awkwardly and decide to make weird sex noises to make it seem like they’re doing something, but then Jake whips open the door and proclaims there’s no need for the act, he knows they’re together and he’s totes cool with it. Also, thank god they were faking it, because that would have been the name of the show if he just barged in on them banging. Anyway, now we know, Jenna picked Matty (boo), and Matty told Jake and then they start macking.
School. Ming, Jenna and Tamara are perusing a really cheaply made poster for a sophomore summer abroad to Italy, England, Germany and France and dear God, I hope they’re not traveling in that order because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. As does an only sophomoric trip, but whatever, it’s needed for plot or something. T is super excited about it but Jenna is all, ummm who of us has money? Ming says that they could sell their underwear, and this exchange goes on waaaaay longer than necessary so I’m just gonna skip it.
T says Jenna doesn’t have to worry either way since she at least will have a boyfriend-filled summer, but Jenna’s not convinced. She’s sure something bad is bound to happen, it’s only a matter of time. Anyway, they haven’t DTR’d (defined the relationship) but this is quickly remedied when Matty plops down next to them at their lunch table, lands a sloppy one on Jenna and then asks if he can have a bite of his “girlfriend’s” sandwich. So that’s taken care of. T is super jealous, but in a friendly way and says that Ricky’s been texting her and we sweep over to...
... Sadie who’s just behind them in the quad looking at Ricky’s phone saying that she knows Ricky has been texting “that troll” who I can only assume to mean T, but knowing Ricky, it could be half of the school. Lissa says she needs to confront Ricky but Sadie is all, umm, he’ll know I’m snooping, idiot. Ricky’s phone starts to ring and Sadie picks up with a ridiculous attempt at imitating Ricky’s voice, but turns out it’s Ricky trying to figure out where his phone is. Sadie coos and Lissa is all o_O and I don’t even care anymore.
Back over at Jenna’s table, T is still kvetching about Ricky and OMG shut up. This of course leads to why Jake hasn’t crawled back to Jenna, and girl, you had your chance, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Jake’s surrounded by a bunch of girls and Jenna’s sure he’s faking being cool with them being just friends. He sure looks fine to me. Also, he does what appears to be a magic trick and I’m dying. Ming agrees with me, but Jenna’s all, “none of those skanks are up to par,” and someone has been bitten by the green-eyed monster hard. Ming’s all, okay, then who is, and Jenna says... someone like T! Because we’ll need this set-up for later. T’s all hahahaha, no.
Hallway. Jake’s getting phone numbers left and right, and good for him, honestly. Jenna awkwardly fakes running into him, Jake sees right through it and tells her once more that, though he may have not been entirely pleased with her decision, he’s gotten over it, let bygones be bygones and all that. Jake’s happy to be playing the field, as he hasn’t been able to do so since he was 10 and... ew? And then he does this HORRIBLE dance about not hating players, but hating the game and thank God he has the sensibility to look somewhat abashed for it, because his points with me were in serious danger of dropping. Jenna, unfortunately, is not relieved by this, because everything seems to be going right, and goddamit, your life is so hard! Thankfully, she gets called by Val to the office and smiles gratefully. Your shit-soaked life is back on track, Jenna...
... or so she thinks. Jenna’s parents are in Val’s office. Val tells them to get back together. They’re all like, we are. Val’s all, damn I’m good. Jenna rolls her eyes. Anyway, clearly the only way to repent for being the selfish bastards that they were, Jenna’s parents should let Jenna go on the Europe trip. With Val. Because of course Val’s going. Lacey is super thrilled by it, but Kevin says it’s too pricey. Jenna says she doesn’t mind, she’s just happy her fam’s intact once more. Lacey says they’ll think about it and Val is satisfied with that. Jenna, of course, is crestfallen that that’s all she was asked in for, because she’s an ungrateful bitch.
Jenna’s room. Jenna and Matty are macking on her bed. Matty is Team Positive to Jenna’s storm cloud and is sure they’re about to have the best summer eva!!!! Jenna decides that maybe Matty could be right and damn Jenna, you should’ve held onto that pessimism for just a few more seconds because Lacey and Kevin jump in and tell her she’s going to Europe! Wah wah waaaaaaaaaah!
After the break, Matty and Jenna conference on her bed about Jenna’s new plans. Jenna basically says, obvs you’re coming with me, and Matty’s all, um, no, and it’s only 6 weeks and not to stress. For someone fucking Jenna, he clearly doesn’t know how tight...ly-wound she is.
Skip to later and Jenna is discussing the aforementioned conversation with T and T doesn’t care because now they’re both going to Europe because T caught her mom being a “lesbutante” and that’s one of her better creations, so I give her a hee! Anyway, T figures she can coerce a party out of her mom for her secrecy and it’ll be all Europe themed and that’ll have to convince Matty to go to Europe, or something, I don’t even know. They hang up, and Jenna goes to type on her blog and repeats everything ONCE AGAIN to basically lead to her...
... going to ask advice from her mother. Jenna’s sure that her mother will tell her to stay home, but Lacey is actually a decent human being for once and tells her to go on the trip. Jenna whinges that she knows Lacey would’ve chosen Matty if she was her age, and Lacey agrees but, she doesn’t want Jenna to miss out on opportunities because of a boy just like she did with her ex Ben. Lacey wanted to dance, but Ben wouldn’t and she was always stuck on the sidelines. I mention this, because it’ll be brought up later. Jenna realizes that she only has one option left: manipulation.
Eurotrash-Bash party. Jenna leads Matty around the decorated kitchen, and apparently it’s supposed to be Italy. The whole house is set up like different countries, and I don’t know how much time has passed from when T came up with this idea until now, but I’m a little impressed with how much was done. T and Ming burst in and Ming is slammed, and it’s hilarious cuz she’s apparently DTF. Jenna tells Matty she needs to help so he wanders off. Ming continues to be a walking comedic troupe, and tells Jenna that “tonight, I’m breaking all the rules... and my hymen!” and the show could end here for all I’m concerned because I don’t think anything else will be able to top it. T directs Ming to Amsterdam so she can get a glove for all that lovin’ she’s about to have and then asks how Jenna’s doing with Matty. Jenna thinks that Matty’s warming to the idea of going on the trip.
We jump over to Sadie kvetching about Ricky and zzzzzzz, I don’t care. Anyway, Lissa gives her advice to use “God’s blind spot,” Sadie is all, what, and Lissa says “backdoor,” and I was wrong, the hymen line has been topped. Sadie looks appropriately disgusted by this but then considers it. Lissa is super proud of herself. Atta girl.
We jump over to Jake and Matty and Jake says that he thinks that Lissa “wants to hook up.” Matty asks how he knows and Jake says he just got a text saying she “wants to hook up.” Girlfriend doesn’t play around. Jake’s saying that he’s somehow become Matty and that some girl even grabbed his wang. Matty’s all, why is that a problem and Jake says, “I was peeing,” and damn, where was all this hilarity at the beginning of the show? Matty promptly giggles at that, and damn if Beau Mirchoff isn’t beautiful when he smiles.
Jenna shows up and tells Matty and Jake that Ming is sobering up, and I’m sure they care deeply. T flops down on a couch and says thank goodness Ming’s not going to Europe since she has no desire to babysit. Jake asks if T is going and T says duh, she’s signing up on Monday. Jake’s all, no you’re not, cuz I got the last spot, and her poor little face falls, and I feel genuinely bad for her. Jenna realizes that she no longer needs to convince Matty to come with her on the trip, she needs to convince herself to stay.
T stalks out of her own house, which I find kinda weird, because couldn’t she just like escape to her room or something? I dunno. She walks past Ming who asks her what’s wrong and T exclaims that her life sucks and blah and she takes Ming’s car keys to go cry in. She goes off and then Freddy appears behind Ming. She’s super excited about her impending hymen-busting but Freddy sadly breaks it off. He says he’s been re-districted because he crossed the Asian Mafia, and that storyline still kinda cracks me up, so he and Ming won’t be going to school together anymore. Freddy’s scared Becca’s gonna go after Ming and Ming says she’s not worried and can take care of herself. Freddy says, “That’s the thing... you can’t,” and it’s so soapy and dramatic, and then he sweeps in for a kiss and then practically flies away and I’m crying.
Ming’s car. Ming, T and Jenna conference about their failed love lives and Ming says “I’m going to revenge fuck...” and T and Jenna are all OMG, “... with Becca,” and then they’re like oh, but Ming is killing it tonight.
Jenna and Ming leave T alone to wallow and Jake comes bursting out of the house telling Jenna that he needs to hide because Lissa’s chasing him. Lissa comes out looking around and Jenna tries to curtail her from going outside. Lissa asks if she and Jake are still hooking up. Jenna says no so Lissa’s all, move bitch, get out the way, and I actually appreciate that she asked because I feel if Jenna had said yes, she would have stopped. So, atta girl.
Ming’s car. Jake jumps in and hides from Lissa. T tells him that Lissa’s gone and Jake is relieved.
Back inside. Matty and Jenna mack and Clark takes a picture of them with his phone and I love Clark. Matty says he’s going to get another drink and offers both Jenna and Clark a drink, and points to Matty. Clark sits down and tells Jenna that he was so totes Team Matty and Jenna goes back into sulk mode and is sure ONCE AGAIN that something is going to go wrong. She tells him all about wanting to spend the summer with Matty and Clark says all the right things and Jenna is whiny and annoying and ugh. Clark tells her “everything is going your way” and Jenna’s all, that sounds familiar, but shakes it off. She realizes that she has a trip to Europe and T doesn’t so she says hahahaha suck it bitch, except she doesn’t because she’s a nice friend, and she’s realized that she can solve all the problems.
Ming’s car. Jake’s kvetching about Ricky... no I’m kidding, he’s complaining about how all the girls want to bang him and T is having none of that shit, cuz no one wants to bang her and she’s not having his pity party taking over her’s. Jake’s all, aww, girl, you crazy, and T’s all I don’t believe you, so he kisses her and it’s actually kinda cute, especially since I’m still bitter about Jenna not choosing him so atta both of y’all. Of course, who should witness this coming together but Jenna herself and they do this kinda really gross close-up of their kiss and as they part Jenna is revealed but I so did not need it shown like that.
Jenna, of course, is horrified and runs off, and Jake and T continue to mack. Jake asks her if she feels better, and that’s kind of a gross thing to say, but T doesn’t mind and says they should just keep on macking so they do. I dunno, Jake seemed so fey in this scene I was finding it hard to believe it, but they have decent chemistry so we’ll see where this goes.
Jenna’s back inside and tells Clark what she just witnessed. Clark rightly says, umm, girl, you have Matty, so you need to step the fuck off. Jenna reluctantly agrees and acquiesces that she’s being ridiculous. Clark tells her that he’s glad they can talk openly about all this and Jenna’s confused, “as opposed to,” and Clark says, “your blog,” and flips his hair and sashays away. So Clark was Jenna’s anonymous commenter and I actually love that reveal, because yay Clark!
Jenna makes her way outside and runs into T and I have to say, good on both girls for this upcoming exchange, because it definitely shows their maturity. T confesses to macking on Jake and Jenna confesses to knowing since she just saw them. T says that since Jenna said Jake should be with someone like T, well, who’s more T than T? Jenna tells T, it’s all fine and good, and that she can have her spot on the Eurotrip. T’s thrilled and the girls hug it out. Now it’s time to celebrate.
Back inside, the girls open the closet door and are SHOCKED as to whatever’s going on in there, and I’m not sure what they needed in the closet, but I guess that’s neither here nor there. A crazy-drunk Sadie comes up to them asking if they know where Ricky is. Jenna says he’s defs not in this here closet behind me. Sadie asks if T was getting all up in that, and T defiantly tells her no, because girl has traded up. T tries to tell Sadie to not look in the closet, but Sadie’s a bitch, so T no longer cares. Sadie swings the door open and who’s in there? Why it’s Ricky the man-whore, with... CLARK! Yesssssss! Clark looks so fucking evil, it’s delicious. Sadie is not pleased.
After the break, Sadie is on the couch with T and Jenna once again kvetching about *yawn*. Sadie is on the precipice of apologizing to our ladies but she passes out in T’s lap and I guess that’ll be something for another day.
Backyard of Eurotrash-Bash. Everyone’s dancing and having a gay old time. T and Jake are dancing and it’s cute. Matty’s sitting on the sidelines and Jenna shows up to tell him that she’ll be staying in town. Matty asks why and she say, “because,” and I guess that’s a good enough reason for Matty and they kiss. Jenna gets up and says she wants to dance but Matty is all, naw, I’m no good at it, and Jenna’s face falls, and DIDN’T I SAY THAT PART WOULD BE IMPORTANT BEFORE? She gets pulled down onto Matty’s lap. Jenna VO’s as she watches her friends dancing, “I finally got what I always wanted, but I wasn’t sure if it was what I needed” and she gets an ‘oh shit’ look on her face... and I guess we’ll have to wait til next season for more on that!