It is Saturday, January 31st, 2015 and I have three things I didn't have before.
I have my own place.
I have a cat.
I have a full-time job.
That being said, these past few weeks have been quite the emotional roller coaster, despite what appears to be three very fortunate things to have happened.
The move from the suburbs to the busy streets of Toronto gave rise to a certain type of anxiety that I haven't felt since my days of going off to summer camp. My stomach was clenching, I couldn't eat for three days and I felt all around awful. Anxiety made me believe that I had made a huge mistake.
What I keep forgetting, as it is easy to do in the throws of panic, is that anxiety lies. It preys on insecurity and weakness and tells you things are not as they seem. That they are terrible. That they are scary. That you will never be able to get past it.
Anxiety lied to me last week. But that's why I haven't really been around on here for a little bit. Not that I haven't wanted to, but that I haven't really been able to. I needed to find comfort and stability and writing on here, as much as I love to and find incredible freedom when I do, would have fuelled my anxiety's ammunition.
So I took a bit of a break. Of course, any time that I take a break from the site, it's always a bit difficult to get back. Just like exercising and eating healthily, once I'm in the swing of things, everything gets easier. It's the starting that's the hardest part.
I'm starting a lot of new things. I've never been a pet owner. I am learning the ins and outs of what cats like and don't like and when I should leave well enough alone. I'm also learning that cats make great pillows and are always warm, and when they are happy, you are too.
I'm learning to live by myself and to take responsibility for myself alone, without anyone picking up after me. Any mess that's made has only myself to blame. Except those of the cat. Which I have to clean up too.
I start my new job on Monday, to which I'll be taking on the most responsibility I've ever taken on in a work setting. I'm terribly excited with a smattering of nerves sprinkled on top.
I've heard people talk about new chapters in their lives and this truly feels like the start of something very different but very good. It's the start of true independence and feels like the real start of adulthood for me.
So that's what's been going on. I'll be getting back to my regularly scheduled program shortly. I've been self-medicating by binge-watching The Newsroom, The Good Wife and How to Get Away With Murder so I will definitely have something to say about all that in the next little while.
Love and thanks and later days!